I Was Absolutely Wrong Thinking I Got Over It
The last time this sort of feeling hit me were the endless nights I was hustling to salvage my thesis in college and to the people who kept tabs with me then, they knew how everything went down with my struggle at that time. Spoiler: I didn't finish my thesis on time but thank God for my thesis adviser, professors, friends, and MOST ESPECIALLY MY PARENTS who believed in every ounce of me that I will finish it in just a month later than the deadline.
I never actually understood it when people say that depression doesn't strike you at once. It slowly creeps into you. latching into your soul and withering whatever will you have left. I never understood it for the fact that I never wanted to even talk about it or try to understand it. Back then I had this negative impression of an individual who loves talking about what makes him or her sad. I feel like every person in this world is battling against the universe and you're not someone special who have it worse. The only person I genuinely talk to regarding my depression is my councilor. I mean, if you're diagnosed with clinical depression why talk to another individual who doesn't know what to do with his or her life too, right? I took the professional approach.
I never actually understood it when people say that depression doesn't strike you at once. It slowly creeps into you. latching into your soul and withering whatever will you have left. I never understood it for the fact that I never wanted to even talk about it or try to understand it. Back then I had this negative impression of an individual who loves talking about what makes him or her sad. I feel like every person in this world is battling against the universe and you're not someone special who have it worse. The only person I genuinely talk to regarding my depression is my councilor. I mean, if you're diagnosed with clinical depression why talk to another individual who doesn't know what to do with his or her life too, right? I took the professional approach.
"You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way."
- Elizabeth Taylor
I've been battling depression since 2013 due to stupid reasons. It was really the most stupid thing ever and even back then I knew it was such a stupid life event. However, the girl writing this post is stupider for letting all those stupid, meaningless things affect her life. The occurrences that happened after that stupid event was actually the ones that made me have depression. I was young, naive, and I thought how others perceived me meant anything.
The small, happy, funny, active girl lost herself. I lost myself. I lost my interests, my friends, my hobbies, and basically my whole life. Many days would go by with me just sleeping and lying in bed hoping that when I wake up things would've took a turn for the better. I didn't want to talk to people even if those people absolutely wanted to hang out with me. When they engaged in conversation, I really couldn't care less about the things coming out of their mouth. For half of my college life, everything just passed by. I hated social interactions because I just didn't care enough to invest any percentage of myself to any external thing. I lost everything so I had nothing to invest to other people actually.
I felt empty and alone inside the walls I've built for myself. The people around me- both who knew me well and who didn't even know me, felt like I needed help, like I needed someone to break those walls down. A lot of people I've engaged with back then tried to demolish the walls I've built and I'm very thankful for it. I didn't want to seem ungrateful, however, people kept on forgetting that the person trapped inside those walls was the same person who built it in order to keep everyone away. The more people who tried to break down those walls, the more that I cried deep inside. I could hear the banging and the banter outside yelling that they've come for my rescue. Rather than feeling saved, I felt invaded. I kept on shouting back to people that I didn't need rescuing, rather, I needed to be alone- but no one seemed to hear a thing. They were all so busy breaking down the wall and trying to "save me".
The truth is, no one in this world can save another individual. We, as individuals, are responsible for our own salvation. We shouldn't put our confidence in another individual hoping that they'd come to the rescue everytime the need arises. That's just selfish. Everyone has their own problems and we can help other people feel better about their sadness, but we can't cure it. And as I've learned tonight, when you've had a depression like mine, it's probably incurable. You can live your days forgetting the sorrowful things that happened in your life, you can keep your sadness inside a box and lock it away. You can be happy and you will be happy- many times. But just so you know, the day you're tired, broken, and vulnerable- the sadness that you've kept well-hidden for so long will come out of its cage disguised as a "different situation" and will happily, slowly devour your heart again. And you know well in your soul that it's the same monster trying to conquer you so you fight it over and over until it is locked and hidden-away again, hoping it never senses your grief. And when that happens you already know what to do- you fight it and you hope that maybe this time it will take the rest of your lifetime before it awakens again.
DECIDE YOU WANT IT MORE THAN YOU'RE AFRAID OF IT
I'm currently reviewing right now for my board exams. It's giving me these feelings again- fear, anxiety, panic attacks, and overthinking. Many times I get to rise above it but there are just certain nights where I let the sadness slip just a little bit, and it ruins my system. I'm worried about whether i'll pass or fail, but I'm more worried about the requirements that I need to submit and the like. Will they even let me take the exam? I don't know. These things are me overthinking. But I also need to remember that there are people who believes in me like my friends and my family. Ofcourse, God is always there to help me out- like how he always does.
0 comments