The last time this sort of feeling hit me were the endless nights I was hustling to salvage my thesis in college and to the people who kept tabs with me then, they knew how everything went down with my struggle at that time. Spoiler: I didn't finish my thesis on time but thank God for my thesis adviser, professors, friends, and MOST ESPECIALLY MY PARENTS who believed in every ounce of me that I will finish it in just a month later than the deadline.
I never actually understood it when people say that depression doesn't strike you at once. It slowly creeps into you. latching into your soul and withering whatever will you have left. I never understood it for the fact that I never wanted to even talk about it or try to understand it. Back then I had this negative impression of an individual who loves talking about what makes him or her sad. I feel like every person in this world is battling against the universe and you're not someone special who have it worse. The only person I genuinely talk to regarding my depression is my councilor. I mean, if you're diagnosed with clinical depression why talk to another individual who doesn't know what to do with his or her life too, right? I took the professional approach.
I never actually understood it when people say that depression doesn't strike you at once. It slowly creeps into you. latching into your soul and withering whatever will you have left. I never understood it for the fact that I never wanted to even talk about it or try to understand it. Back then I had this negative impression of an individual who loves talking about what makes him or her sad. I feel like every person in this world is battling against the universe and you're not someone special who have it worse. The only person I genuinely talk to regarding my depression is my councilor. I mean, if you're diagnosed with clinical depression why talk to another individual who doesn't know what to do with his or her life too, right? I took the professional approach.
"You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way."
- Elizabeth Taylor
I've been battling depression since 2013 due to stupid reasons. It was really the most stupid thing ever and even back then I knew it was such a stupid life event. However, the girl writing this post is stupider for letting all those stupid, meaningless things affect her life. The occurrences that happened after that stupid event was actually the ones that made me have depression. I was young, naive, and I thought how others perceived me meant anything.
The small, happy, funny, active girl lost herself. I lost myself. I lost my interests, my friends, my hobbies, and basically my whole life. Many days would go by with me just sleeping and lying in bed hoping that when I wake up things would've took a turn for the better. I didn't want to talk to people even if those people absolutely wanted to hang out with me. When they engaged in conversation, I really couldn't care less about the things coming out of their mouth. For half of my college life, everything just passed by. I hated social interactions because I just didn't care enough to invest any percentage of myself to any external thing. I lost everything so I had nothing to invest to other people actually.
I felt empty and alone inside the walls I've built for myself. The people around me- both who knew me well and who didn't even know me, felt like I needed help, like I needed someone to break those walls down. A lot of people I've engaged with back then tried to demolish the walls I've built and I'm very thankful for it. I didn't want to seem ungrateful, however, people kept on forgetting that the person trapped inside those walls was the same person who built it in order to keep everyone away. The more people who tried to break down those walls, the more that I cried deep inside. I could hear the banging and the banter outside yelling that they've come for my rescue. Rather than feeling saved, I felt invaded. I kept on shouting back to people that I didn't need rescuing, rather, I needed to be alone- but no one seemed to hear a thing. They were all so busy breaking down the wall and trying to "save me".
The truth is, no one in this world can save another individual. We, as individuals, are responsible for our own salvation. We shouldn't put our confidence in another individual hoping that they'd come to the rescue everytime the need arises. That's just selfish. Everyone has their own problems and we can help other people feel better about their sadness, but we can't cure it. And as I've learned tonight, when you've had a depression like mine, it's probably incurable. You can live your days forgetting the sorrowful things that happened in your life, you can keep your sadness inside a box and lock it away. You can be happy and you will be happy- many times. But just so you know, the day you're tired, broken, and vulnerable- the sadness that you've kept well-hidden for so long will come out of its cage disguised as a "different situation" and will happily, slowly devour your heart again. And you know well in your soul that it's the same monster trying to conquer you so you fight it over and over until it is locked and hidden-away again, hoping it never senses your grief. And when that happens you already know what to do- you fight it and you hope that maybe this time it will take the rest of your lifetime before it awakens again.
DECIDE YOU WANT IT MORE THAN YOU'RE AFRAID OF IT
I'm currently reviewing right now for my board exams. It's giving me these feelings again- fear, anxiety, panic attacks, and overthinking. Many times I get to rise above it but there are just certain nights where I let the sadness slip just a little bit, and it ruins my system. I'm worried about whether i'll pass or fail, but I'm more worried about the requirements that I need to submit and the like. Will they even let me take the exam? I don't know. These things are me overthinking. But I also need to remember that there are people who believes in me like my friends and my family. Ofcourse, God is always there to help me out- like how he always does.
To be genuinely honest, I skip my Saturday review classes since my Building Technology lecturer took over a few weeks ago. I feel like I could cover more topic if I hang out at a semi-busy Starbucks and read the reviewers I purchased. I swear, if ever I fail my board exams on June, these Saturday skips aren't the reason. Truth is I can't handle the way my lecturer presents his lessons, okay? That's why I skip some of his classes.
Anyway, let's talk about what transpired that certain Saturday I was absent. I went to Starbucks, grabbed the usual drink which was their non-fat Green Tea Latte and sat at a corner table for a few minutes. I was about to setup my reviewing gears when I suddenly had the urge to 'take a walk and discover something new today,' which I hesitantly did. After a few minutes of walking and debating whether I ought to go back to my safe Starbucks bubble or continue walking and spending some more cash, I saw The Halal Guys food chain which I will write about in a separate post. Unfortunately though, The Halal Guys does not accept card payments so I was forced to withdraw in an available ATM a few meters away. While waiting for my turn, I saw the most amazing thing that made my heart leap! SOMETHING will happen that night at SM North Edsa's Sky Garden.
I just knew I had to come to the event! People closest to me know how much I adore stars! It is the defining symbol of me living here in the Philippines. Where I grew up, stars were always visible at night, shining and blinking brightly. In Manila however, due to often cloudy skies and pollution, stars are only seldom visible.
I was amused at the setup of the event! Initially, I thought plastic chairs were to be placed on the open spot of the Sky Garden so I had some second thoughts about staying at the event for a long period. I was mistaken- the organizers knew their audience. Kids were there, laying on bean bags placed on top of a carpet covering so they don't smell like wet grass after (yuck!). I wanted to jump in at the bean bag pit to be honest, but the presenter's demonstration took my attention away. These guys at Manila Street Astronomers know their thing! You might think that talking about astronomy is too "NASA" for you, but I find these guys to be charismatic teachers of the subject. They are able to wholly converse in a certain subject without being too technical- a very suitable way of making younger ones more interested in the universe.
When I was a young 17 year-old, I told myself I would buy a telescope before I hit 25. I actually forgot about that self-promise and was just reminded when I saw the telescope they had brought along. Viewing it is free, and you can get tutorials from the awesome guys manning these stations. There were three telescopes available for use, though I do not know if they were the same models because they had different colors. The guy in-charge of the white telescope (the other 2 were black) was awesome! He was saying something like we could see Jupiter that night and he would help us see it along with other constellation! Sadly though, people needed to wait for the skies to clear up because it rained earlier that day.
These kinds of things are what I live for! To feel that we are just a speck in this universe makes me feel like my problems are irrelevant and that thought certainly has a way of making me feel better. I felt devastated that the skies weren't clear. Aside from my personal concern, I felt like these people from Manila Street Astronomers prepared something valuable for the public and yet it was haltered by an act of nature. Luckily, the speaker of the event was absolutely engaging and took some questions about astronomy while waiting for the stars to show. Questions like: "If Pluto isn't a planet then what is the planet after it?", "How do we use the stars in navigation", and finally my favorite question, "How did humans think about the constellation in the first place?". The event was very educational, fun, and amusing! Plus- the bean bags.
FIN x-x-x-x
Have you guys ever heard of Subnautica? Subnautica is an open-world game that is still under development by Unknown Worlds through Steam. I first stumbled upon this game while playing RAFT, which is a very simple survival game unlike Subnautica. As a player, I felt that I have already beaten the RAFT game so I wanted a more challenging one. While reading through the forums to look for a better, more sophisticated gameplay, people suggested Subnautica.
The narrative of Subnautica goes like this: You're a human who crash landed in an ocean on an alien planet along with a few others. Each one has their own lifepods, and your lifepod luckily crashed in a safe-zone site which means that monsters will not eat yo' ass yet. However, you need to survive, drink, and build your own habitat. I mean, you can't live inside a broken lifepod forever, right? And that's where the survival part of this game begins. While exploring, you'll finally figure out the storyline of the character, your goal, and what really happened to the planet you crash-landed in.
This is what your the exterior and interior of your lifepod looks like. When you regain consciousness at the start of the game, half of your lifepod is on fire due to the impact of the crash. You need to kill the flames with the fire extinguisher. Because of the fire, most of your usable applications inside the lifepod will be broken so you need to slowly fix them along the way. Once fixed, almost all of the machines inside are usable. There's an item fabricator, first aid kit, storage box, and fire extinguisher- barely enough for you to survive in an alien planet, right? Don't worry, you'll be able to build your own habitat later on in the game.
You can eat food via cooking or preserving them through salt. You can also eat them raw but I don't suggest that because aside from the fact it can increase your thirst (because they are fresh from the salty sea), raw food doesn't fill you up much. Fish is the primary source of food in the game but you can eat a few plants as well. You can get the fish by simply grabbing them the same way with fruits. If you're going to explore for a long time with your mobile vehicles like the seamoth, I suggest you carry your lunch with you via preserved fish because cooked fish gets spoiled fats.
Sixteen underwater biomes and two islands are available for exploration right now. Upon stepping out of the lifepod, you'll be able to swim in the safe shallows where you can pretty much handle the lack of oxygen and pressure, plus there's no radiation in the area. Upon exploration, you'll encounter deadly fishes, giant monsters, beautiful corals, and the other lifepods that crashed in the planet with you. Exploring is required in the game because you need to gather raw materials in order to survive and hopefully get out of the hell-hole you're in. These are the photos of a few biomes and islands that can be explored"
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| Underwater Ghost Tree |
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| Grand Reef Biome |
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| Inactive Lava Zone |
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| Floating Island |
You can build your own habitat underwater in Subnautica, which would actually make you think- do I really need to get out of this planet? I mean you can have everything you need there- like a television, a vending machine, your own plant box, a nuclear reactor, your own bedroom and office, and much more! Of course, in order to build more means you need to explore further in order for you to have the proper raw materials needed.
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| An interior garden with edible food |
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| A simple bedroom |
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| An aquarium with edible fish |
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| A moonpool where you can park your vehicles |
Today, I had a very terrifying dream. I really thought it was true and I still couldn't believe that I had an absolutely realistic dream. I dreamt that the Subnautica planet merged with our planet. Yes- all of the species there suddenly found their way in our planet. But guess what? These aliens are not under the sea rather floats in the air. And that's the worst part because in my dream us humans were forced to find shelter in a basement where these creatures are always trying to break in and eat us all. Glad I woke up when I defeated the boss monster. Janina was the heroine of her dreams!
WATCH ME PLAY SUBNAUTICA!!!
FIN
